Monster Inside Me

Being a woman with a past is not easy, especially in a small town. My poor choices affected everyone I love. I manipulated, and hurt anyone in my path. I hurt my children with my choices. I will never forgive myself completely for that. I did not set out to become a drug addict but addiction found me. I have been around hundreds, if not thousands, of addicts during my lifetime. I met some on the streets and others during treatment. I can say for certain that no drug addict set out for such a dark life.

Addiction for me started young, even before I used a substance. As long as I can remember I felt “different”. I had an imagination without limit. I was extremely sensitive to my surroundings and other people. I could actually feel the vibes others let off. I could feel people’s true intentions. As a child, that can be very overwhelming. I did not understand why I felt the way I did , so I cried. A lot. That labeled me as “oversensitive”. Feeling things so intensely made my preteens really difficult. I just never really felt like I fit anywhere. I remember feeling like something was missing. Even as a child, I felt a void.

I never thought to ask other addicts if they also felt this void. I wish I would have. I do know that addicts often have childhood trauma. Somewhere in their lives they survived some sort of abuse. Not all suffered abuse though. Some had perfectly normal childhoods with loving and supportive parents. This is why I know there must be something we all have in common. I think it’s that void. Since I can only speak for myself on that , I will describe what that void feels like.

I felt like I was empty of all the good stuff other people are made of. I would see smiling , laughing people and not understand what could possibly make them that happy. In my teens is when I really started to notice this. I so desperately wanted to feel the way those people felt. I was jealous. I was also angry. I was angry that other girls my age , had families and parents that loved them. They were concerned for and cared about. They were safe. I was kicked out of my house at 16 years old. I was not checked on. My parents did not care if I was warm , or safe, or cold, or hungry. There were days I did not eat, did not have a place to sleep , and was not safe. The anger and resentment just piled up at that point. Although I was fortunate enough to be taken in by a family, my own did not want me. That hurt. This is where things get tricky when an addict tells their story.

I started drinking and using drugs because they made me feel better. There is no other reason that an addict uses drugs. They take them from where they are to where they want to be. Period. All of that pain and anger just gets pushed deeper and deeper inside. Drugs make everything better. If I felt sad , or lonely, or angry, drugs made me feel safe and content. They numbed me. They worked so well, I started using heavier drugs, and more of them. There was a point where I never wanted to feel sober. I just wanted to get high and high and higher. I went to extremes to get high. I did what I had to do to get high. I had no self confidence, or self respect in any way at that point. I really didn’t care if I died. I wanted to die. I wanted to just get it over with.

Eventually, I did try to just get it over with. I put an immense amount of effort into killing myself. I was always in a blackout drunken state when this happened. I know I put a lot of effort into it , because I would wake up in the hospital every time. During my entire addiction fueled mess of a life, I put more effort into dying then I ever put into living.

That is when the drugs just weren’t working anymore. Consequences came and they were heavy. That is the reward we get for long term drug use. We get regret, destruction, guilt, shame, and eventually, a total disconnect from anything and everyone we care about. What I have learned through sobriety is that I used to feel better. It was not because of my childhood, or any trauma, or any other excuse. I used because I had poor coping skills, and it was easier to numb then it was to feel and deal with it. Addicts use to feel better.

Today, I am put energy into improving myself, my relationships , and my family. I am always going to be a work in progress. I am always going to be a little bit broken. I know God saved me, for some reason. I am not perfect, I do not claim to be. I am just so much better than I once was and that is okay for right now ❤ Much Love and Good Vibes! Nicole.


I have struggled keeping up with this blog. I had a real fear of what to write. Should I be open and blatantly honest? Should I share my past, my failures, my fears or will someone judge me or use them against me? Fear causes anxiety which causes me to stay stuck. I become frozen with fear and refuse to move forward, or any direction for that matter. I have decided to go for it. I am just going to tell my truth and if someone wants to be critical, well that is okay. I am putting myself out there by doing this and should expect some criticism , I suppose. There is always a critic!

I have been struggling with some health issues which have caused my life to drastically change. With back and neck problems, peripheral neuropathy, Osteoarthritis, Pinched nerves, spinal stenosis, as well as a full pelvic prolapse, I was forced to slow down. That was one reason I started this blog to begin with, but then that stalled. Apparently God wanted me to slow down even more so he threw in a foot injury as well! I keep getting the urge that I need to write. I keep asking ” Write WHAT?”

Oh, just saying, I did not share about my health issues for any sort of attention seeking, sympathy, or any other ego satisfying reason. I put it out there because it is a part of my life and has led me in a different direction. Maybe someone is experiencing a similar situation and needs to read this. Who knows?

We are now upon the holiday season. I usually get a little sad this time of year. I also usually get angry. I get angry that my family still have not spoken to me. My Mother lives three blocks one way and my sister lives three blocks the other direction. My relationship with my Mother was always strained. I was angry with her over things that happened in my childhood. I struggled with addiction, which she does not understand. My sister always had things more under control. My Mom favored her. I always knew that. However, there was a time when my sister and I were best friends. Five years apart, and complete opposites but she was my favorite person for a long time.

When I relapsed at the age of 33 years old, my family cut ties with me. I really can’t blame them. Addiction turns people into monsters. I always felt like they were grateful they had an excuse to finally be done with me. Even when I was clean , which was many years, I had a lot of problems. I was attracted to chaos, had emotional issues, and was a disaster in many ways. It was a lot for them to take. I have been clean and sober for almost seven years but they still do not speak to me. I used to be angry over this but I am not anymore.

The fact is , I am grateful for the good times I had with them. I am grateful for all the love we did share but I have closed the book on that chapter. I understand my Mom went through a lot in her life. She went through a lot of pain. That is not my story to tell but I understand her perspective more than I used to. The same with my sister. I wish them , and the rest of my family the very best. I hope someday they can forgive me for all that I did wrong. I forgive them for all that they did wrong as well. I love them but I will love them from afar and wish them well.

I have learned a lot about forgiveness. I know that forgiving someone isn’t always for them. It is not saying that what they did is right. Also, it is not necessary to tell them that you forgive them. It’s something that is done in the heart and it takes work and a lot of practice! I forgive people a hundred times a day sometimes, and it is often the same person I am forgiving. I will feel all this peace in my heart and full of forgiveness for someone. Then a day later I feel all of that resentment return and I have to work on forgiving them all over again.

Eventually, it came easier and that forgiveness stayed. I can honestly say I am at peace now for the first time in a long time. I feel great about the holidays this year and am so grateful for my actual family. The family I created. I have been blessed and given more than I deserve. My advice, if you can… forgive. If you can’t try to at least let it go. If not for them, do it for yourself. You deserve peace. Thank you for reading. Much Love ❤ Nicole.

“Without forgiveness, our souls are tied to what happened to us in the past, whatever you do, choose to forgive “- T.D. Jakes

Our Secret Lives

We wake up in the morning , make coffee, start a load of laundry, and begin the day. The sun is out and we are excited to see what we can accomplish. We look around and see our home, children, spouse, and pets. How blessed we are.

We smile, laugh, converse, work, take care of our families, make time to exercise and get our hair done. We do it because we are supposed to. We do it because we love it. Right? That is how we are supposed to feel. Right? What if we say, ” I don’t enjoy those things?” We are selfish if we dare express any amount of disdain with our day to day activities. My Goodness! How can we feel any sort of anguish when we have food, shelter, a family, and our health? How dare us feel depressed when there are starving children and people sleeping in the streets? That is what we are told. That is the message we are given.

As human beings we are expected to constantly compare ourselves to other people. We cannot feel any amount of negativity pertaining to ourselves because we are looked at as ungrateful, spoiled, attention seeking, or dramatic. That entire stigma must change. Too many are suffering in silence out of fear. Fear of being judged, fear of being called a bad parent, fear of being called crazy, and the list goes on.

I will share this because I know that I am not alone. I suffer with depression. Manic depressive , if we must give it a label. I feel bad sometimes and cannot just “get over it.” I don’t even know why most of the time. There are times, many times, where I do not want to be on this planet anymore. There are times I will cry in my bedroom , or in the shower begging God to take me home, with him. It’s amazing how fast a Mother can dry her tears and plaster a smile on her face. Anything so they don’t notice. The kids, my husband, anyone. I do not want people to know I have these thoughts.

I mean, how dare I? How dare I want to not be alive when so many wish they had another day? How dare I cry and beg for God to take me when so many are struggling with illness and only wish to have another day? How dare I?? So I hide it. I cover it up with makeup and fake smiles. I push through. I stop being so selfish. I “get over it”. I feel guilty for having such morbid feelings when I have so much. I feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself when so many are suffering.

How many times have you felt like this? How many times have you felt so bad that you just wanted it to be over? How many new Mothers secretly wish they could just run away so that they could sleep for a week? How many struggling parents ,working so hard to buy their kids the “right” school clothes and sneakers so they don’t get picked on, just want to jump off a cliff? They are exhausted! How many sit in their showers and cry so no one knows?

I think so many of us feel like we just want it over sometimes, but we are afraid to express it. We are afraid of being called “suicidal”. There is a difference between wanting to be taken out of this world then wanting to take yourself out. Usually when we feel this way, we do not actually want to be dead. We don’t usually mean we want to be gone forever. Usually, it’s our brains trying to find a way to escape. So we do what comes natural. We resort to asking our parent , in my situation ” God”, to just take us home with him. We want to be held, and feel safe again. The thing is. It is okay.

It is okay to feel so beaten that you want to escape. It does NOT mean we don’t love our children, and families. It does not mean we don’t love being a parent to our kids. It means we are human and have breaking points. We are made up of emotion. It’s who we are. Sadness ,for ourselves, is the only emotion that is ‘unacceptable” to express in society. That needs to change.

Most of the time we go through our daily lives with love and happiness in our hearts. We struggle but feel rewarded when we know our family has all that they need. We are not ungrateful because we feel sadness for ourselves. It means something in our lives needs to change. It is the compass that give us direction. When we sit in it, it may become a problem. Depression is not something that we should be ashamed of. We should be able to talk about it, so that we can change what needs to be changed. If we hide and never have outlet, then it can become a disaster.

My main point of this is to tell people who struggle with this that you are not alone. You are not selfish because you have emotions. You are not a failure. I have to tell myself those words on my “dark” days. All I know is that I own my feelings. I still love my life, and all whom are in it and most days I go to sleep with gratuity in my heart that I lived another day. There will always be dark days. I know that. I also know that I will allow myself to actually feel those emotions instead of trying to numb myself with drugs and alcohol. That is never the right solution. Trust me.

So for all those who sometimes wish it could be over with , please understand you are not less of a person because you feel that way. Also, ignore those who tell you how you “should not feel that way” because someone has it worse. That is the same as telling someone they shouldn’t feel happy because someone has it better ❤ Much Love to all of you!

P.S I am NOT suicidal. I do NOT intend to harm myself or others. This is a blog post about depression and REAL LIFE emotion. Thank you.

Spiritual Chaos

I decided it is time to get back to this blog. I started it with a purpose so I am not going to give up. One of the reasons I started this was because I have such strong ideas, theories, and opinions. I needed a place to put it all and journaling was not enough anymore. I needed to be able to share.

I remember when I first started with Facebook. It was basically pictures of happy families, very superficial and vague posts, friendly chatting, and an occasional “selfie”. That was social media. I have watched it transform into another portal , used for good or evil. What better platform for a spiritual battle than the internet?

I still see a lot of happy , cute, loving photos of families. There is still love, support, raising awareness, and a place for old friends to reunite. There is also an unsettling amount of anger, hate, destitute, and people crying for help. We also all want to be heard. Personally, I give up trying to change anyone’s opinion about anything. I respect their right to think, and communicate how they see fit. What we have forgotten is that we are still all connected.

Society is going downhill. We are being played, manipulated, and led to believe that someone in the government is ever going to make our lives better. They are not. The government is a system designed to control the masses. They may throw a bone now and then to appease , but their primary purpose is to maintain power. They know exactly how to play the masses. First , they lead us to believe that we actually have a say in who or how the country is run. Then they use the media, Hollywood, and of course the internet to spread false news and information.

They plant seeds to turn us against each other, and to DISTRACT us. From what? Well from the fact that these systems are set up to program , control, and enslave the masses. There is so much corruption, lies, and deception it is unreal. How do I know? I don’t have tangible evidence. I do have incredible intuition. I do get downloads of information. For years I have explored my theories and came across an entire population who believe the same things! That proved to me that I was not crazy or delusional.

The rabbit hole is deep and unnerving. I would recommend watching “The Family” on Netflix. It is a documentary explaining how religion and the government are intertwined. The Catholic church is very, very powerful.

This brings me back to Facebook. I see so many suffering lately. It really is heartbreaking. I have been there and still get there on occasion. I call it the” Dark Place.” PLEASE try to connect spiritually. Whatever your belief system is, use it! When we feel alone it’s because we have blocked out our spiritual connection. Meditation and Yoga is amazingly therapeutic!

This post may seem a little all over the place. It sort of is. LOL. I write how my mind thinks. As you see FOCUS is not my strong point. Haha. Actually, this stuff all ties in together. It’s just a big mess. Life is a big mess ❤ Thank you for reading!

Your story.. My Story.. Our Story

When I started this project , I promised myself I was going to tell my story. I told myself to be real, and raw. It may upset people , but it is not about them. It is not for them. By publicizing my story, perhaps other people will do the same. We should not feel ashamed of our pasts. There is a divine plan you see. Through all our turmoil, there are lessons and opportunity for soul growth. It happens on a subconscious level. Suddenly, we can fast-forward ten years and see how we grew as a person. Maybe you were once homeless, and now you give all you can to the beggar on the street. If you were mistreated as a child by your parents , you now give your own children all that love you wished you had. You see, we grow. Of course, sometimes people cannot get past their pain. Sadly, these people may inflict pain on to others. They may turn to a life of drugs and alcohol to cope. These people are not failures. They simply are not ready to heal. If not in this lifetime, then , perhaps, they will in the next.

Point being, I write to share from my perspective and to help anyone who feels alone, and empty as I once did. I am not writing to have people pity me. Not at all! I learned so much from my colorful life. As hard as some of it was, I also had many beautiful memories and met amazing people. It was not all bad. I am simply sharing in depth the part that caused pain because that is where I learned the most. That is what led me to dance with the devil, and to shut out God. However, those were chapters, not the entire story!

If you are following, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I have to tell the story in order to show how I put things into perspective. Each one of us has a story full of excitement, tragedy, love, guilt, and adventure! We can never judge another human being because we do not know their circumstances. How can I judge someone based only on what I know NOW? I can’t because I do not know their soul. I do not know what they have been through , or their healing process.

No matter how lost, hopeless, and afraid you may be at this very moment. Please know that you are not alone. I know that is a cliche, but it’s the truth. Someday, you will look back on your own story and see that whatever it is you are going through was not put in your path to destroy you. It was put there to define you. Much Love and Light ❤ Nicole

” This is my life…my story…my book. I will no longer let anyone else write it; nor will I apologize for the edits I make”

Steve Maraboli

Trauma and Addiction

Addiction. That word in itself makes people uncomfortable. People are dying by the millions , yet we argue if it is a disease or a choice. It’s both. It began with a choice, and it becomes a disease in the way that it manifests itself in the brain. Yet, most diseases are caused from us not taking care of ourselves properly. We choose unhealthy foods, not to exercise , not managing our stress, choosing to stay awake later instead of getting adequate sleep, and the list goes on. These all contribute to a plethora of diseases, such a heart disease and cancers. How we choose to care for ourselves during the treatment of our disease contributes to the healing process. The same goes with addiction. We choose to do the things necessary to stay clean, or not. One thing I will tell you. If I would have known my choice to experiment, and party as hard as everyone else would have led ME to a life of regret, pain, and shame, I would have made different choices.

When I was a child, I was smart, creative, a self proclaimed gymnast ( I taught myself) , a daughter, and a friend. I was someone. I believe most addicts suffered some sort of trauma in their childhoods. That trauma led them to believe that they were somehow not worthy. As I said in my previous blog post, my first 12 years were wonderful. I felt safe, had friends, had a very active imagination, and was loved. I am going to tell you a story of a girl, who went from feeling loved and safe to abandoned, and shattered.

This little girl had a wonderful first 12 years. Her childhood was full of happy memories. She loved her Stepfather and has many memories with him. He raised her from a baby so he was her “Dad”. He treated her with as much love as his biological children. She was a Daddy’s girl. She would hang around him while he worked on the farm. they ate bowls of ice cream while playing the “original” Mario Brothers, and many games of basketball. This little girl turned into a 13 year old and suddenly the man who raised her, whom she trusted and loved.. crossed boundaries no father should with his daughter. She was confused, and scared, and felt embarrassed. She told her guidance counselor , who in turn told her she would break her family up if she told. He told her to dress in baggy clothes so she wouldn’t turn him on. She again felt betrayed. This was another man who was an adult, whom she trusted and he wronged her.

This little girl knew better and she told her Mother. The Mother of this little girl , never really liked her daughter, for some reason. The little girl knew that but she had always had her Father so that took the sting out of it. Even so, the Mother of this little girl did not hesitate. She kicked him out and divorced him. She never doubted her daughter for a second. After all of this the little girl felt so many mixed emotions. The man she loved was no longer in her life. Just like that. She still loved her Father and she grieved this loss. She also saw how difficult it was for her Mother financially, and how depressed her Mother was. The little girl felt so incredibly guilty for this. She felt lost and alone, and angry. She felt betrayed more than anything. There was a line that was crossed. Her trust was destroyed.

From that point on everything went downhill, and stayed that way for a long time. There is much more to this story but that is where the trauma began. That is where the void was created in this child. She was broken. She would later seek all sorts of self medicating techniques. Drugs and alcohol. At least then she was numb. At least then nothing mattered. At least then she could just be in peace.

There is a lot more to this girl’s story but that is the starting point of it all. This is not blaming everyone’s childhood for addiction. It is explaining how one could feel so empty they seek out something, anything to comfort them. Of course, there are people who have extremely traumatic childhoods and never touch drugs and alcohol. It’s strange that way. I can’t speak for those people. I can only say that the little girl in this story had a traumatic childhood, and most addicts I have met also experienced some sort of trauma. We have to take ownership of our addiction, however. We must put it into perspective. Bad things may have happened, and we may have turned to unhealthy solutions. We cannot go through life blaming our addiction on that . We have to be accountable. It is not an easy thing to do. We HAVE to do it , though. We have to work on acceptance, and forgiveness of ourselves and others. Turn to God, and beg him to take you out of your dark place. That is what I did, and still do. We are ALL worthy of healthy, happy lives!! Addicts are not disposable. We are valuable people who deserve to be in this world . I am going to talk about forgiveness in my next blog! ❤ Much Love ❤ Nicole


I have been thinking about how I should go about unfolding my story in my blog. The problem with that ,I find, is the more I think …the more anxious I become. I start hearing that little familiar voice telling me “don’t talk about that or you will embarrass yourself”. I refuse to give that self doubting whisper any more power. It has held me back, and controlled my life for far too long. Instead I will listen to my intuition 🙂 I will write with ease and without any self doubt. What comes through is meant to be shared. I firmly believe that.

I have been thinking a lot about my childhood. I don’t know if it’s my age, but I find myself getting caught up in nostalgic moments. It’s like I can actually feel myself running through the fields , in a sundress and barefoot. Always barefoot. I get so caught up in these memories that I can actually smell the fresh country air of the farm I grew up on. These memories stimulate all of my senses. It’s magical really. I had an imagination that I wish I held onto. I could play for hours by myself in the woods, or even in my own backyard. I created little scenarios and acted them out. I had many adventures all by myself! I always knew, even back then, that there was more to this world than just the third density lives we know of. We were not an overly religious or spiritual family. I remember being baptized at the Presbyterian church in my small town ( I was around nine years old) and we went to church services a couple times, but that it!

Even though we were not a religious family, I remember always praying and talking to God. I remember doing this before anyone told me about praying. I just knew there was something out there that protected the people we love. I now look back and know that all of those “imaginary friends” were not fictional. There was a presence around that I could feel. I never felt alone! Children have an ability to tap into energies that we can’t always feel or see as adults. We push it off as imaginary friends or an overactive imagination. In all actuality, we were all extremely psychic at one time! That is until we were programmed to replace our imaginations with society’s expectations. I remember being 11 and 12 years old and still wanting to play with Barbie Dolls, and play pretend games. Yet, suddenly I felt “too old” for that sort of thing, and fell into the hellish years of adolescence. For myself, my childhood ended at 12 years old. After that my entire world changed. I will share more about that some other time.

I am grateful that I am now able to connect with God again, and to understand that childhood should be longer than twelve years. I also know that I was psychic as a child , as all kids are. Instead of shutting that down we should be embracing it. As adults we should be encouraging children to meditate, and use these innate abilities. For them, it’s as natural as breathing! I wish I could tap into that imagination I once had. I know that with that possibilities were endless. Imagine how much more magic there would be in the world, if adults used their imagination as much as their logic? I am telling you.. psychic ability and imagination are connected ❤ Much Love! ❤ Nicole

“Logic will get you from A to Z: Imagination will get you everywhere” Albert Einstein

A Little About Me

“Who Looks Outside, Dreams; Who Looks Inside, Awakes”
Carl Jung

First of all I should tell you that I am not a prolific writer. I am not computer Savvy. I am not an expert of anything. You may be asking yourself what I am doing starting a blog when I am basically clueless. (haha).

Well, I will start by telling you I have overcome many obstacles in this lifetime. I am almost 42 years old and life has not always been kind. I am not going to tell you my sad story, because we all have one of those. Those hard times made me search for answers. I was getting lost in the dark and needed to find the light. I needed to embark on a spiritual journey in order to save myself… from myself. I struggled with addiction for as long as I can remember. Addiction and Spirituality often go hand in hand. I have also been an empath my entire life. I did not know this as a child. I only knew that I was called “over sensitive” because I cried easily. I could sense things about people, and places. I had intense emotions and did not understand where they came from. As I grew up I began to understand what an empath entails, and how other people’s energy affects me. It can be overwhelming, suffocating, and relentless at times. I had a spiritual awakening almost six years ago. With this awakening I became increasingly inquisitive. I also became aware that everything I have been taught is a lie. I questioned why we are here, how we are connected, what other entities are there , and why society is failing. This is where I learned that I am Clairsentient and Claircognizant. This means I have a feeling and a knowing. This leads me to the reason for my blog.

What is ” Nicole Vibes” about?

  • I hope to share my truth , my theories, my story. Hopefully, by sharing I can help someone else who feels alone.
  • Through my blog, I will be telling my story. It all ties together so it must be told. I believe we ALL have a story that is worthy of telling. I hope you can relate to mine.
  • We all have healing, and forgiving to work on. At least I do. Through this blog I hope to see how my dark times led to the light.
  • My mind never stops. Never! I do have journals among journals filled but I am ready to share with the world.

To summarize what I will be blogging about is difficult. I am a free thinker, a truth seeker, and a lightworker. I will be blogging about whatever is on my mind. I hope to connect with other like minded individuals. Thank you for taking the time to read my very first blog! Much Love to You ❤ Nicole

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