I have struggled keeping up with this blog. I had a real fear of what to write. Should I be open and blatantly honest? Should I share my past, my failures, my fears or will someone judge me or use them against me? Fear causes anxiety which causes me to stay stuck. I become frozen with fear and refuse to move forward, or any direction for that matter. I have decided to go for it. I am just going to tell my truth and if someone wants to be critical, well that is okay. I am putting myself out there by doing this and should expect some criticism , I suppose. There is always a critic!
I have been struggling with some health issues which have caused my life to drastically change. With back and neck problems, peripheral neuropathy, Osteoarthritis, Pinched nerves, spinal stenosis, as well as a full pelvic prolapse, I was forced to slow down. That was one reason I started this blog to begin with, but then that stalled. Apparently God wanted me to slow down even more so he threw in a foot injury as well! I keep getting the urge that I need to write. I keep asking ” Write WHAT?”
Oh, just saying, I did not share about my health issues for any sort of attention seeking, sympathy, or any other ego satisfying reason. I put it out there because it is a part of my life and has led me in a different direction. Maybe someone is experiencing a similar situation and needs to read this. Who knows?
We are now upon the holiday season. I usually get a little sad this time of year. I also usually get angry. I get angry that my family still have not spoken to me. My Mother lives three blocks one way and my sister lives three blocks the other direction. My relationship with my Mother was always strained. I was angry with her over things that happened in my childhood. I struggled with addiction, which she does not understand. My sister always had things more under control. My Mom favored her. I always knew that. However, there was a time when my sister and I were best friends. Five years apart, and complete opposites but she was my favorite person for a long time.
When I relapsed at the age of 33 years old, my family cut ties with me. I really can’t blame them. Addiction turns people into monsters. I always felt like they were grateful they had an excuse to finally be done with me. Even when I was clean , which was many years, I had a lot of problems. I was attracted to chaos, had emotional issues, and was a disaster in many ways. It was a lot for them to take. I have been clean and sober for almost seven years but they still do not speak to me. I used to be angry over this but I am not anymore.
The fact is , I am grateful for the good times I had with them. I am grateful for all the love we did share but I have closed the book on that chapter. I understand my Mom went through a lot in her life. She went through a lot of pain. That is not my story to tell but I understand her perspective more than I used to. The same with my sister. I wish them , and the rest of my family the very best. I hope someday they can forgive me for all that I did wrong. I forgive them for all that they did wrong as well. I love them but I will love them from afar and wish them well.
I have learned a lot about forgiveness. I know that forgiving someone isn’t always for them. It is not saying that what they did is right. Also, it is not necessary to tell them that you forgive them. It’s something that is done in the heart and it takes work and a lot of practice! I forgive people a hundred times a day sometimes, and it is often the same person I am forgiving. I will feel all this peace in my heart and full of forgiveness for someone. Then a day later I feel all of that resentment return and I have to work on forgiving them all over again.
Eventually, it came easier and that forgiveness stayed. I can honestly say I am at peace now for the first time in a long time. I feel great about the holidays this year and am so grateful for my actual family. The family I created. I have been blessed and given more than I deserve. My advice, if you can… forgive. If you can’t try to at least let it go. If not for them, do it for yourself. You deserve peace. Thank you for reading. Much Love ❤ Nicole.
“Without forgiveness, our souls are tied to what happened to us in the past, whatever you do, choose to forgive “- T.D. Jakes