We wake up in the morning , make coffee, start a load of laundry, and begin the day. The sun is out and we are excited to see what we can accomplish. We look around and see our home, children, spouse, and pets. How blessed we are.
We smile, laugh, converse, work, take care of our families, make time to exercise and get our hair done. We do it because we are supposed to. We do it because we love it. Right? That is how we are supposed to feel. Right? What if we say, ” I don’t enjoy those things?” We are selfish if we dare express any amount of disdain with our day to day activities. My Goodness! How can we feel any sort of anguish when we have food, shelter, a family, and our health? How dare us feel depressed when there are starving children and people sleeping in the streets? That is what we are told. That is the message we are given.
As human beings we are expected to constantly compare ourselves to other people. We cannot feel any amount of negativity pertaining to ourselves because we are looked at as ungrateful, spoiled, attention seeking, or dramatic. That entire stigma must change. Too many are suffering in silence out of fear. Fear of being judged, fear of being called a bad parent, fear of being called crazy, and the list goes on.
I will share this because I know that I am not alone. I suffer with depression. Manic depressive , if we must give it a label. I feel bad sometimes and cannot just “get over it.” I don’t even know why most of the time. There are times, many times, where I do not want to be on this planet anymore. There are times I will cry in my bedroom , or in the shower begging God to take me home, with him. It’s amazing how fast a Mother can dry her tears and plaster a smile on her face. Anything so they don’t notice. The kids, my husband, anyone. I do not want people to know I have these thoughts.
I mean, how dare I? How dare I want to not be alive when so many wish they had another day? How dare I cry and beg for God to take me when so many are struggling with illness and only wish to have another day? How dare I?? So I hide it. I cover it up with makeup and fake smiles. I push through. I stop being so selfish. I “get over it”. I feel guilty for having such morbid feelings when I have so much. I feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself when so many are suffering.
How many times have you felt like this? How many times have you felt so bad that you just wanted it to be over? How many new Mothers secretly wish they could just run away so that they could sleep for a week? How many struggling parents ,working so hard to buy their kids the “right” school clothes and sneakers so they don’t get picked on, just want to jump off a cliff? They are exhausted! How many sit in their showers and cry so no one knows?
I think so many of us feel like we just want it over sometimes, but we are afraid to express it. We are afraid of being called “suicidal”. There is a difference between wanting to be taken out of this world then wanting to take yourself out. Usually when we feel this way, we do not actually want to be dead. We don’t usually mean we want to be gone forever. Usually, it’s our brains trying to find a way to escape. So we do what comes natural. We resort to asking our parent , in my situation ” God”, to just take us home with him. We want to be held, and feel safe again. The thing is. It is okay.
It is okay to feel so beaten that you want to escape. It does NOT mean we don’t love our children, and families. It does not mean we don’t love being a parent to our kids. It means we are human and have breaking points. We are made up of emotion. It’s who we are. Sadness ,for ourselves, is the only emotion that is ‘unacceptable” to express in society. That needs to change.
Most of the time we go through our daily lives with love and happiness in our hearts. We struggle but feel rewarded when we know our family has all that they need. We are not ungrateful because we feel sadness for ourselves. It means something in our lives needs to change. It is the compass that give us direction. When we sit in it, it may become a problem. Depression is not something that we should be ashamed of. We should be able to talk about it, so that we can change what needs to be changed. If we hide and never have outlet, then it can become a disaster.
My main point of this is to tell people who struggle with this that you are not alone. You are not selfish because you have emotions. You are not a failure. I have to tell myself those words on my “dark” days. All I know is that I own my feelings. I still love my life, and all whom are in it and most days I go to sleep with gratuity in my heart that I lived another day. There will always be dark days. I know that. I also know that I will allow myself to actually feel those emotions instead of trying to numb myself with drugs and alcohol. That is never the right solution. Trust me.
So for all those who sometimes wish it could be over with , please understand you are not less of a person because you feel that way. Also, ignore those who tell you how you “should not feel that way” because someone has it worse. That is the same as telling someone they shouldn’t feel happy because someone has it better ❤ Much Love to all of you!
P.S I am NOT suicidal. I do NOT intend to harm myself or others. This is a blog post about depression and REAL LIFE emotion. Thank you.